Too Long In Saudi, Novinophobia & Flowers Inbound……

Oh, it is the little things that are keeping me sane at the moment amid mortgage chaos and planning to kidnap the BT engineer.


It suddenly struck me late last night that I made a very large blunder yesterday in that I repeatedly referred to the BT engineer as a ‘he’. Well that was very unPC of me and I apologise. These days I am sure there are many female BT engineers. I think I have been in Saudi for too long – it is rubbing off on me.

After a morning in the gym with the small man today I retreated to the epicentre of our world – King Pin for a quiet drink. The small man promptly met up with one of his buddies and disappeared off so I had some peace and quiet.

So, to my amusement as I was sitting pondering life and the universe while stinking everybody out with my post gym sports kit, I made a point of making a nuisance of myself with the strawberry blond hand grenade.


One of my major gripes over the summer had been the amount of time the strawberry blond hand grenade spends on her iPad. Given a chance she would spend every waking hour staring at it, watching films and playing games.

In an attempt to curb this ridiculous and annoying habit, at the beginning of the holiday I installed a fab app on my phone and her iPad called ‘OurPact’ which lets me control her access to her iPad. When I allow access via my phone then her iPad is as normal, when I don’t (for example when she is a stroppy hand grenade or the time schedules I set kick in), then her iPad reverts back to being an iPad fresh from the shop, all her apps, films and games just vanish into thin air – puff, they are gone until I allow access again…..


This causes some angst to the strawberry blond one, but hey – get used to it!

You might just have guessed where I am going with this – especially when I say that you don’t have to be on the same WIFI network or phone network to make it work.

So, in light of the hand grenade’s apathy towards going to the gym – in fact anything that means getting up off the settee I had a bit of fun this morning.

Yeap, as I sat here watching the world go by, I found my fingers unconsciously going towards the ‘OurPact” app on my phone and somehow ‘catching’ the block and allow buttons randomly.

As I did this I just can’t help laughing and imagining what is happening at home.

Needless to say I tried to deny all knowledge of any events when I got home and I tried the line ‘What? Your iPad kept going on and off? No way, must be a glitch……’, but I just could not keep a straight face and to be honest the strop that greeted me just made me laugh even more……

The more I tried not to laugh, the more I could't help it...

The more I tried not to laugh, the more I couldn’t help it…

I have to say that there appears to be an air of excitement, relief and general buoyancy around the compound at the moment and I am in no doubt that this is entirely due to the fact that we are now minus six days to back to school. Yeap, there is a palpable sense of anticipation around all the mums at the moment, the sense of desperation around them is dissolving and a sense of impending freedom and relief.

Well, you will not be surprised or astounded to hear that no notable progress has been made in my pre BA big bird preparation today. Pretty much a big zilch.

Between the gym, swimming, doing errands, causing remote iPad annoyance to the hand grenade, procrastination and sorting out yet more issues surrounding the mortgage debacle, (I will move onto that in a moment – don’t worry), the day seems to have passed me by somewhat and it is now almost time for bed.

The cases remain in a state of flux but on the plus side himself did sort out my visa today, a mere 48 hours before departure…….


So, onto the mortgage debacle. Well, after being vaguely optimistic that today was the day that it would all be over, alas no. Instead more hassle. You will I am sure recall the fiasco of last week when the oh so patient good Doc sat and wrote ‘War & Peace’ on our behalf, signing numerous sheets with her name and qualifications before stamping them with her ‘professional’ stamp, (Mortgage Manyana Mode). I am so grateful to her for her efforts last week. So as you can imagine my heart sank today when the mortgage company threw another spanner in the works which dictated in so uncertain terms that I had to darken her doorstep once more and ask for yet another favour.

Yeap, today the mortgage company decided that actually the good Doc’s name, GMC number, signature, qualifications and official stamp were not good enough. No, they are still convinced that we are international fraudsters, money launderers, people traffickers or on the run. So today they decided that they simply had to email the good Doc at work so that they could confirm that she does exist and is not a figment of our imagination, (if she is a figment of our imagination then I would love to know who it is who has been ferreting about at my nether regions for my last two girly check ups, that is quite alarming really…..)

So, they decided that her personal email address and mobile number was not good enough and we had to submit those for the Medical Centre so that they could email and prove that she is who we say she is.

Now to cut a very long and stressful story short, the good Doc is still on holiday at the moment. She has two children and so does not work in the holidays.

But as the mortgage company will only accept the email from the Medical Centre address tonight I have had to ask the good Doc if she will go into work to prove her existence to the mortgage company.

I have a premonition that an enormous bunch of flowers will be delivered to the good Doc sometime tomorrow……

Anyway, today there has been several episodes of whingeing to the long-suffering mortgage advisor and actually I have to say that I suspect that the whole farcical situation has ground her don as she is nowhere near as enthusiastic about life as she usually is. I did actually point out how there isn’t possibly anything else that the mortgage company could want just before I asked her to continue with her secondary role of proxy wine drinker on my behalf.

It was at the point that she dropped the bombshell. Yeap, it was at this point in the conversation that she said that she is actually running out of wine.


I cannot begin to explain the devastation that I felt at this statement. I was shocked, stunned and panicked by this bolt out of the blue. Did she not realise the importance of her role and had let her wine stocks run low? Does she not realise that as she sips on a nice Chardonnay back in Blighty I can virtually taste it as I sip on my vimto and yes it does make life just a tad less stressful at the moment?

Well anyway, I think the terror in my voice jolted her and she did say that she was off to Tesco’s to restock – now that’s more like it!, (sorry mortgage advisor, I know you have started reading the blog).

The small man has continued with his insensitive and cavalier attitude towards my now defunct DIY cold water shower kit. Yeap, the very, very large bag of ice in the freezer is causing some fascination for the small man and he has today taken to ice baths. Yeap, not only is he using my ice supply which I bought primarily for my shower kit, but he is using it in the bath with the shower that used to have the cold water kit above it.

Yes, not one but two insults………double whammy……I am not impressed.


Well still no confirmed sightings of Gordon – I guess the writing is on the wall there. I am however quite relieved to report that I have also not seen the YLOTH and so have not been chastised for any misdemeanour that I may or may not deserve. I am reasonably optimistic that next time I do see the young lady in question our recent wrangle may be forgotten.

So best I shuffle off and make sure that when I do finally get round to packing there are plenty of warm clothes in the cases. Cumbria is a bit nippy at the best of times and a cardboard box in a field may just be a tad frosty. Oh well, at least we will have the BT Engineer for warmth, perhaps I ought to kidnap the Rayburn man, (or woman), as well just for an extra source of heat.


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