Clean Car Share Knickers, ‘Done My Time’, Caged Animals & CFOP’s….

Well, the more astute and avid EIOT readers may well have surmised that the lack of ramblings from the blog may well have meant that things in the EIOT household have been at a low ebb – and you would not be wrong.

Yes, the gruesome twosome are still in situ and that in itself is fantastic. We are having a great time but to be honest not even the presence of my offspring can lift me from my ‘I have done my time in Saudi and want to go home’ strop.

Yeap, as I have alluded to over recent posts, (well, not that recent as the EIOT blog has gathered virtual dust, cobwebs and a musty moth ball type smell due to neglect over the last few weeks), I am ready to go home.

Now, this does not mean that himself is going. Oh no, he is adamant he is staying for the moment and it does not mean that divorce, separation, alienation, estrangement or dissolution is imminent – far from it. I am just ready to go home.

Now, this state of affairs is not as easy as it sounds.

You see as part of the ‘package’ himself is paid a reasonable amount for me to sit here, be grumpy and in my ‘I have done my time in Saudi and want to go home’ strop. Not least of which is the boarding school allowance.

And so, until I have sorted myself out and climbed back onto the hamster wheel of UK employment, I have to tow the official party line and not be out of Kingdom for any more than 150 days a year.

So, plans are afoot and the next few weeks should see some progress on my dastardly escape plan that will make ‘Escape From Alcatraz’ and ‘The Great Escape’ look like a combination of an amble around Legoland and a night out with Ed Sheeran.

More of that over the coming weeks and months.

Yes, things have got a bit dire and to be honest even a fantastic few days in Abu Dhabi last week has done little to blunt the pain.

Now, I would love to say that the sojourn over the border to AD was in an attempt to restore my sanity, but no. You see we have a strategic dilemma on our hands when the gruesome twosome are in situ.

They too have done their time in Saudi in the past but we have royally shot ourselves in the foot by letting them go to a fab school in deepest Cumbria where quite frankly abseiling, climbing, gorge-walking, mountain biking etc is an everyday occurrence and being inside is deeply frowned upon.

So, imagine a gruesome twosome who love that lifestyle and are promptly brought back to the land of sand on the brink of summer. Yes, double whammy. The land of sand and the brink of summer.

By the end of week one things were going downhill. Not too badly with the strawberry blond hand grenade who while being slightly twitchy was coping well.

No, it was the small testosterone filled one. By the end of week one he was taking on the persona of a caged animal.

Mischief was turning to grumpiness and the frequency and volume of his bored sighs started to reach meteoric proportions.

Not even the presence of his beloved xBox could soften the blow.

We knew that with three weeks left of the holidays drastic action was needed.

Yes, that was the reason behind our spontaneous trip to Abu Dhabi.

It worked – while we were there and for a few days after.

He was run ragged at water parks, ‘Bounce’, swimming pools and yes even being dragged around Yas Mall was enough to take the edge of his energy levels and return him to his normal amicable self. Not that he would agree with the Yas Mall bit, shopping is not his forte.

But that was all a few days ago now and yes the caged animal is returning.

However, there is one blessed relief.

He has discovered Rubiks Cubes.

Yes, this is his own personal crusade and we are really rather impressed.

He has now mastered a standard 3×3 Rubik’s and consistently completes it usually in less than 3 minutes.

It is turning into an obsession with competitive ‘Rubiksing’ between the two men in my life becoming the centre piece of our lives.

Yes, the conversation is constantly relating to algorithms, acronyms such as ‘fur’ and ‘fur’, edge flips, corner twirls, ‘CFOP’ & speed cubes.

I always thought that Rubik’s Cubes were simply 26 pieces of plastic of varying colours that were impossible to get in the right order.

No, how wrong could I be.

No, apparently there is a whole scientific formula to solving them, online clubs and forums and numerous different types of cubes.

I did make the point of asking at one point what was the point in owning more than one Rubik’s cube as surely all cubes are the same? Well. the look of derision could have sunk the entire American fleet that is currently blazing a trail towards North Korea.

I won’t ask again and I won’t get any further involved in the interests of my health.

Apart from the distraction of the scientific evaluation of solving a Rubik’s Cube, the small testosterone filled one’s energy is being funnelled through use of the various sporting facilities on the compound – all of which needless to say he can do without batting an eyelid. I find myself wondering who has worked hardest when the two men in my life return from the squash courts….

Then of course there is his xBox which has turned out to be a God Send. Yes, himself produced some derisory comments when I brought it back from EIOT Towers on my last visit, sarcastically commenting about video games and TV watching.

Well, he has changed his tune now I can tell you!

Yes, I have even resorted to taking advantage of Microsoft’s current offer on 1 month’s free Live Gold access – life saver!

OK, time to fess up here. He is not the only one who is enjoying the xBox and the 1 month free xBox Gold access.

No, I am not talking about himself, or the strawberry blond hand grenade.

Readers may recall my dilemma in the last post When In Doubt, Ask A Nine Year Old Or A Strawberry Blond….. Yeap, I was struggling with the concept of FIFA 17 on the xBox and had sent out an SOS on the compound’s Facebook page asking for assistance from FIFA 17 players to play against the small testosterone filled one as quite frankly I could not get my head around it.

Well, I am no further forward with my struggle and FIFA 17 but a steady supply of other small testosterone filled ones from around the compound have rescued me from that dilemma and as long as there is a constant supply of Pringles and various drinks I am safe.

However, I have found that I have a certain weakness and some not inconsiderable skill with other games – in particular ‘Rocket League’ and ‘Flat Out 4 Insanity’.

Now these are both driving games and I do not know if this is something to do with living in the land of sand and pent up driving frustration or just sheer talent on my part but whatever it is the small testosterone filled one and I are having a ball – especially now that I have taken advantage of Microsoft’s offer of 1 month’s free Live Gold access.

Yes, the small man and I make quite a team against other gamers across the world and I have to say that we are putting up quite a good fight and are representing the UK with quite some aplomb.

Now, according to the small testosterone filled one this has firmly put me in the status bracket of cool Mummy. Not only can I play but I can play well and enjoy it.

Ha! All those yummy mummy’s in their designer clothes eat their hearts out – I have official ‘Cool Mummy’ status from my son.

However, I am expecting a backlash from other compound mum’s in the coming weeks.

On a visit from one of the small one’s FIFA 17 playing buddies I somehow got roped into a game of Rocket League.

After a few minutes I became aware of being stared at and one of the cars on the screen came to a stop.

I turned round to see the visiting small man staring at me, transfixed and motionless. His jaw had dropped he was unblinking.

Whoops – sorry to this young man’s Mum who is now probably being nagged as his buddy’s ‘Mum plays Rocket League with him so why can’t you play with me?’

 

So what else has been happening?

Well, my current state of despair has been lifted by the legend that is Peter Kay and the BBC’s somewhat puzzling decision to post all four episodes of Series 2 of ‘Car Share’ on iPlayer before they have all been aired on BBC 1.

Whatever their reasoning I am not going to moan, all four episodes have been downloaded and watched.

Now I made the immediate EIOT family sit through episode 1. Not a massive success as they have not watched Series 1 and so were a little lost.

So, I resorted to the rest of Series 2 on my laptop with headphones.

Well, after several visits from himself to check on my sanity and state of health I made it to the end of each episode.

It is a long time since I have laughed like that and the use of headphones just added to the magic.

Episode 3 with the monkey – classic!

Well anyway, one emergency trip to the bathroom and a dry pair of knickers later the family want to watch it.

I wasn’t sure that it is really child friendly viewing and was considering the dilemma when I glanced at the strawberry blond hand grenade and what she was watching on her laptop…..

Too late! Series 1 was ongoing and it was the episode that discussed dogging.

I suppose that settles that one, if she has watched that she might as well watch the whole damned series!

I think her reaction was a lot calmer than mine and himself’s, guess that is that part of the birds and bees conversation covered then..

Then of course there is the Broadchurch conundrum. I have to say that I think I rumbled this a few weeks ago, but in true Broadchurch style there is bound to be a massive twist that makes the roller-coaster at Alton Towers look tame.

I have reached the grand conclusion that between Car Share and Broadchurch I am destined to be a nervous quivering wreck…

So, my next dilemma is another programme that I have downloaded and if I am in any fit state, mentally and physically to cope with it.

Yes, I have downloaded a BBC comedy called ‘Miriam’. Now this series stars the legend that is Miriam Margolyes.

Now, my dilemma is this. After the hilarity that is Car Share, am I in any fit state to watch ‘Miriam’ and more to the point do I need to do a white wash first to make sure I have enough clean pants to see me through the hilarity?

After all, I burst out laughing at Miriam Margolyes without her saying a word such is her character.

The flip side of the coin is anything that makes me laugh and lifts me out of my ‘done my time in Saudi and want to go home’ strop, even temporarily, must be a good thing.

So, best I despatch himself to the shop for a pack of Tena Ladies, (oh he will love that…), have a just in case wee, put the headphones on and get ready…

Oh yes, BT update…..Well apparently the mole ploughing has been completed. I have had one grammatically poorly written update from our ‘Senior Executive Complaints Team Bod’ – Ms W the week before last who said that the mud as improving the work would be completed last week and she would email then.

Needless to say I have heard nothing. However, my spy at EIOT Towers has informed me of progress.

Normal communication from BT, to be honest it would be easier chairing a Women’s Rights Seminar with Donald Trump than it is getting useful communication from BT.

I do call the answer phone at EIOT Towers reasonably regularly. Not because I am expecting any messages, heaven knows we have been without a phone line for so long that nobody bothers to phone us in the first place.

No, I call it just to check that a sheep has not chewed through the temporary cable, a walker has not fallen arse over apex over it and disconnected us or that it has not been chewed up in a tractor wheel.

As well of course as the novelty of actually having a phone line….

So far so good.

So, Happy Easter to all. Eat that chocolate and don’t be sick!

Laters!

www.Tommys.org